Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
