My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think people are normalizing furries
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
