Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize