your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
