I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
