if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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