well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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