I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
