I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My feet surprised me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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