Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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