I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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