Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
