Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
