I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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