I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
