White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
