i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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