We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize