Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
