i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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