I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
