nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
