he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
