god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
