i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
