I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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