I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
