My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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