Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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