how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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