my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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