Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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