I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
