I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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