I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
