capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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