Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize