Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
