Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
