i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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