my mouth tastes like poor choices
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
