Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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