I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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