I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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