so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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