I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
