While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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