I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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