I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
