pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
