Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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