you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
