did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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