My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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