did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
