i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i will never coherently bang her
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize